Thursday, June 9, 2011
I used to have friends. Not that they liked me, but they tolerated me, enjoyed arguing with me, and let me hang with them. I gave them up a while back in an attempt to be honest with myself.
Its complicated, and I'm not really going to spill the beans on myself and actually BE honest, at least with you.
I'm a creature of the shadows, I create illusions, identities, but none risk the full impact of the consequences that I would if I was just one integrated person, with all my games out in the open, all my self fully invested in one me.
No I have multiple identities, multiple genders, (yea I know there are only two), and so many email addresses that I have to keep them written down just to remember all of them, much less the passwords!
The vicious downside of this is that instead of friends who really know me, I have snippets of acquaintances with various people who just know a little of me in one identity or another, but that I cant fully come out to because there is so much deception in what they think I am.
A twisted game of my own creation.
I've tried several times to just post and interact with people as myself, but thats too complicated, theres the business me, the me my family knows, and the me that no body can know. I even have several identities just for use on sex sites! I can't even integrate my perversions and compulsions into one!
I write a lot sometimes, I probably have several hundred thousand words on the internet in various guises. Some profound, some trolling, some extended fictional stories with whole casts of characters. Even some poetry. I hate poetry! Can't stand to read the stuff unless I wrote it.
Some of my writing is interaction between fictional characters created and animated only by me.
Funny thing is that all of it is really me. Some of it is not real, but the feelings, the thoughts are me, just using a more suitable creation to convey it. Is that understandable? I'm not schitzo, I know what is real and what is not. Its just that I prefer that which is not!!
So if you are reading craigslist casual encounters section where strange folk search for other strange folk to pee on or screw wearing costumes, or just get gay and sweaty, and you run across some snippet of out of place poetry, that might be me. I consider hate emails trashing my poetry posted there to be sort of a scoring of coup.
There are people who read this blog who know me under other names. I know, I postitioned it so that they would find it.
But if you wanted to be my friend, for whatever capricious reason, all you would have to do is understand. Understand that I don't lie to you to do you harm, but to create something better for you, than me.